Sunday, March 16, 2008

95; Guys

This one was inspired by two different sources and one condition. The condition is the average Bennington workload, wherein I have had very little time to write. The First source was my rediscovery of a fantastic website, the best of craigslist ( This site is the greatest depiction of humanity on the internet.

Craigslist is a website that began as a sort of message board for San Francisco. You could buy things, sell things, look for people, jobs, join groups, book gigs, whatever. It quickly branched out to pretty much everywhere. I've gotten multiple jobs off of craigslist. My mom bought her house off craigslist. It's a nifty site. There is also a 'Best of'. This isn't the best of New York, or Boston, or San Diego. It's the cumulative best of all the different sites, all categories. From unbridled optimism to moving pathos. From "Jar for sale. May contain ghost." to "To the guy doing my wife..."

The other source which prompted this was a gal pal who asked me point-blank, "What's wrong with guys?". This was, mind, in the context of relationships. Of course there's a laundry list of offenses. Yet I was moved by some anonymous fellow on the 'Best of' who wrote the slightly abridged (noted in parentheses) following transcript. It was an excellent defense, and I thought I'd share. It seemed somewhat pertinent to the Bennington dating pool.

"I see this question posted with some regularity in the personals section, so I thought I'd take a minute to explain things to the ladies out there that haven't figured it out. What happened to all the nice guys?

The answer is simple: you did.

See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He'd tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn't feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy(...) treated you.

At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic(...)Besides, he totally wasn't your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn't know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.

Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird (...)time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren't the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you're single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players (...)you wonder, "What happened to all the nice guys?" (...)

You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive "just-a-" friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren't really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you're upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he'd have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an asshole than he ever wanted to be.

Fact is, now, he's probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I'm sorry that it took the complete absence of "nice guys" in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that. So, if you're looking for a nice guy, here's what you do:

1.) Build a time machine.
2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ass.
3.) Take a look at what's right in front of you and grab a hold of it.

(...)So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want(...) It's time to (...)deal with reality. You didn't want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn't (...) want you, now.


A Recovering Nice Guy"

1 comment:

Karen said...

Unhappy guys, unite. The same thing has been said in reverse: guys prefer beautiful women, even if they're total bitches... And then, there's the age thing. When I was 42, a 45-year old man said that he wasn't used to dating women "my age". He dated 20-somethings...

Fact is, no one appreciates slavish devotion. It's sick. Men and women both are attracted to people who are confident and happy.