Thursday, June 10, 2010

Movie Reviews Continued

More movies I was not impressed with, but was told were great.


If this is the blueprint for westerns it explains why I don't care for them.

Raise the Red Lanterns

Chinese women are... there's no nice way to end this sentence.


Humans suck.

The Miracle of Morgan's Creek

Okay, I actually need to spend some time on this one. Richard Schickel and Richard Corliss each thought this was great. It was recently inducted into the Library of Congress.

A screwball comedy that has over-the-top ham acting, a plot that requires an either/or scenario to maintain interest, and cinematography so forgettable that I had to pause before writing just to remember what some of the scenes looked like.

What the hell? Certain movies that come highly recommended, and 'Miracle' is amongst the foremost, just make no sense to me whatsoever. There's no message, no great quotes, no intriguing shots of the camera. The performances are almost embarrassing. I felt uncomfortable watching them act. Whatevs.


Humphrey Bogart and Audrey Hepburn.


Makes you believe in the power of foreshadowing.


Cold case file.

Back to the Future

I actually got angry at the number of plot holes in this.

Terminator/Terminator 2: Judgement Day

It didn't happen.

Judgement at Nuremberg

Good acting beset by message.

The Lost Weekend

I am batman!

Die Hard

Bruce Willis saving the day? Seems implausible.

The Sting

This is like Ocean's Eleven or any heist movie: since the acting isn't particularly motivating you keep watching merely for the reveal, and then you can forget about it.


Maybe I had to know the show. Which is not an endorsement.

The Day the Earth Stood Still

God is a robot.

The Adventures of Robin Hood

Seriously, Douglas Fairbanks is going to hurt himself if he keeps acting like this.

Scarface (1932)

The director later made 'Hatari!' and 'Gentlemen Prefer Blondes'. This nicely blends both.

Fight Club



Little kids ruin everything, are French.

Enter the Dragon

Mirrors do not equal good cinematography.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

I was more intrigued by Christopher Lloyd than Jack Nicholson. Is that a bad thing?

Toy Story

3D animation produces 2D characters.

American Psycho

Hilariously accurate depiction of the 1980s.

Howl's Moving Castle

Emo boys like fire.

Moulin Rouge!

Absinthe makes silly characters act somber.

The Matrix

Well, duh.


Never understood what made it special: she's not even nude for that long.

American Beauty

Look! A BAG!


Makes 'Pocahontas' look historically accurate.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

Many guys must have been upset when they realized this was a romcom.

Close Encounters of the Third Kind

Ah yes. The aliens love Wyoming. Makes perfect sense.


When I come to my senses, I'm alive. Or not.

Time Bandits

Midgets are funny, right? Right?

I don't know if I can keep this up. They depress me. I've been feeling the same thing in music: too repetitious. Movies increasingly feel formulaic. That's it for now.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

More One Liners

More movies that didn't make the cut.

Last Tango in Paris

Never store cheese at room temperature.

A Clockwork Orange

The best cure is no cure; even if you are sociopathic.

Stalag 17

Smarm defeats Nazis.


My two dads.


History keeps repeating itself, assuming you're a reincarnated general in WWII.

Wild Strawberries

What does it mean to be famous in Sweden?


Very intriguing backdrop gives way to repetition.

The Ox-Bow Incident

Some people kill people.

When Harry Met Sally...

...their love ignited an uncontrollable passion that manifested itself in a manner of, what, a decade?

The Graduate

Berkley hasn't changed much.

The Thief of Bagdad (1924)

Douglas Fairbanks is going to get charlie horse from laughing.

The Thief of Bagdad (1940)

Color makes this less fun than the original.

Harold and Maude

Life is fun; and so is death.


If Darth Vader had a dad.

Gunga Din

Cinema's first fratboy movie.

High Noon

Be there and be square.

Mr. Smith Goes to Washington

Children can't save democracy.

Sunset Blvd.

There is nothing scarier than an ageing woman.

Belle de Jour

Prostitutes are very trusting.

Treasure of the Sierra Madre

Prospectors aren't very trusting.

39 Steps

Britain is a desolate place at night.

Night of the Hunter

Winken, Blinken and Death.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Some One-Line Movie Reviews

For every movie that made my top 100 there are more than a dozen critical favorites that don't make the cut. Here are the latest movies I've seen that didn't impress me:


It is better to be a mime than a hedonist.


Once every two hundred years a palooka gets a chance.

In the Mood for Love

Mahjong ruins romance.

Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown

Gazpacho saves romance.


Anything that interrupts Sarandon's stripping is a monster, and needs be destroyed.

Blue Velvet

Teenagers have it too easy nowadays.


Attractive rich people sing about their problems.

Seduced and Abandoned

Abuse is okay so long as fat men sweat.

The Killing

A regular Jack the Ripper.


Teenagers had it too easy back then.

The Circus

Chaplin finds a waif and is put in perilous situations.

Nights of Cabiria

Prostitutes are very trusting.

The Lady Vanishes

British humour so dry its not funny.

The Bicycle Thief

Poor people are desperate, Italian.

The Palm Beach Story

Attractive rich people whine about their problems.

The Earrings of Madame De...


Gospel According to St. Matthew

Nothing like the book.


Coffins move abruptly.

It Happened One Night

I prefer the walls of Jericho in Iron Man.

Open City

The Catholics didn't support those mean Nazis! Honest!


Bad people do French things.

Road Warrior

Australia's Umberto D.

Strangers on a Train

Why do people think they're gay?

La Strada

I've seen too many movies with mimes recently...