Thursday, March 7, 2013

Two Years Ago Max Called Universal Management

 Max:  The universe is fucked up lately.
 Ross:  Call the toll free repair number.
 Max:  File a bug report
 Ross:  Ask for the manager.
 Max:  Dial or say "0" for an operator.
 Ross:  I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Did you say 'hero'?
 If so press 1.
 Ross:  Hello, Universal Manager speaking. What would you like to talk about?
 Please note this call may be recorded for quality purposes.
 Max:  Yeah I think there's something wrong with my universe.
 Ross:  I see. Now, can you tell me so I can handle the right sort of claim - is your universe a solipsistic one,    or is existence granted for other entities?
Max:  Well I can't say for sure.  Hang on... there is a loud thump and 'thud' sound, followed by a long silence.  now he sounds groggy Uhh... I was unconscious for a while there.  Did you still exist?
Ross:  Yes, I'm still on the line. So we'll go ahead and mark your case as 'General'. Now, I must let you know, if your universe is being experienced by others it may mean that alterations on your behalf will affect the lives and well-being of others. What, specifically, is wrong with your universe?
 Max:  Well it just... I'm not sure.  I mean... good things keep happening to bad people, and vice-versa, and, there are republicans all over the place.  And I have this persistent rash... I don't know, it just, I guess it's just not really what I was expecting?
Ross: I want to make sure I heard you correctly, sir. Did you say 'republicans all over the place'?
 Max:  Yeah that's right.  Everywhere, even.  Central park, the tee-vee.  Congress.  I saw one in a Starbucks yesterday.  Can you believe that?
 Ross: Sir, I'm going to have to transfer you to another department. Will you hold?
 Max:  Okay, sure.
 Ross:  Muzak rendition of 'Take Five'
 Max:  sighs, clears throat
 Ross:  Sorry to keep you waiting. My name is Satan. I hear you'd like to report a breach in Hell's security.
 Max:  I beg your pardon?
 Ross:  Your call was transferred to us from Universal Management on the grounds that you reported  Republicans. If there are Republicans in your Universe then we need to clear this up right away.
 Max:  Oh!  Well.  Yes, there are quite a lot of them.
 Ross:  There was a breach a little while ago, according to our sensors. Do you know, off-hand, if there is such a thing as 'entropy' in your universe?
 Max:  Oh, entropy?  Why of course, it's even more abundant than republicans!  We talk about it at meals and conferences.  Very controversial, entropy.
 Ross:  That confirms it then. 'Entropy' is a way of ensuring that if Republicans do get loose they'll be taken care of in the Universe in question. I suspect a decent knowledge of the concept occurred just about simultaneously with when Republicans first appeared. Yes...Good news, sir. I've got a lock on your case and my theory is confirmed. 'Entropy' was defined in 1865, not coincidentally when your Republicans showed up. As that's the case the problem should clear itself up shortly.
 Max:  How shortly?  I mean, you Universe Management folks, I never know if "shortly" means a few minutes or a few aeons!
Ross:  We can, in special circumstances, intervene in a direct fashion, a sort of 'rush order', if you think that's preferable to life with Republicans. In that case you'll have to choose between a few different options
Max:  I'd like to hear them.
Ross:  Well there are broad changes, or target-specific changes. In the broad we can do something like a solar explosion, rogue black hole, or, the ultimate kill switch, popping the vacuum of space. Targeted approaches may be more familiar, such as asteroids, and supervolcanoes.
 Max:  Those all sound rather...messy.  No offense.
Ross: the targeted approach scheme, although this is higher-end, we can use species-specific methods, such as genetic manipulations, superbugs, and habitat damage.
Max:  Are republicans a different species?  I suppose it would make sense.
Ross:  Technically they aren't a 'species' at all, since they aren't a part of your Universe's evolutionary heritage, and are, point of fact, escapees from Hell. Yet since this outbreak occurred many generations ago there is the consideration that they've interbred with the human species. I wish to clarify that the targeted approaches will affect both Republicans and humans.
Max:  So let me get this straight... they're literally from Hell, and you guys let them out of there, and now they're all up in our gene pool?  Is this universe still under warranty?
Ross:  We did not 'let them out' - there was a breach in security. This is why all of our universes come equipped with a standard entropy package. Warranty is void if entropy is initiated.
Max:  Void??  Well... who initiated it?
Ross:  Entropy is initiated with the automatic detection of Republicans. The universe no longer functions as intended and as such the entropy is triggered immediately.
Max:  Do we get a refund?
 Ross:  Everyone gets a refund, sir. The question is merely where you'll collect it: here, or up above.
Max:  all-suffering sigh Well... I suppose we ought to just let entropy run its course.  What was your name again, sir?  Do I have a case number in case the republicans get worse?
Ross:  My name is Satan. Your case is a number beyond human comprehension, due to an inconceivably high number of calls. We have you on file. You can call this number direct. We are always here to serve you.
Max:  sounding perturbed but accepting All right then.  You bet I'll call if it gets worse!
 Ross:  Is there anything else I can help you with today sir?
 Max:  No, that'll be all I guess.
 Ross:  Thank you. Have a nice life. hangs up

No comments: