Comedian Mashup - NSFW

So I decided, as a somewhat academic exercise, to write up original comedic material - in the voice and style of famous comedians. I like to think I have a good ear for patter, cadence and general style. You may disagree.

Of course, if you're unfamiliar with the 'sound' of a particular comedian, it probably won't be funny. But if you read them in the style of the comedian named, I hope you'll find them at least passable, if not actually chuckle-worthy.

Lenny Bruce

Why Vegas? No one except with screw loose would say – “Here let’s put a lot of neon in the desert.” “That makes a lot of sense to me, Earl” “Good, I’m glad you like it. And we’ll have cheesy shows and showgirls, all the time.” “People will flock, Earl.” “ Yeah, I thought so.”

Vegas is crawling with creeps, crawling with creeps, man. These g-men who are only there to bounce the little blonde showgirls on their laps. But if you do - you’ll be arrested. Go into one of their offices and riffle through some of their mail – you wouldn’t believe what these creep-o lilly-ladies are up to. An internal memo:  “Sir – found contraband on outskirts of town, and flushed it all down the toilet. Citizen under arrest for possession. PS – I love you.”

Sometimes I say words I’m not supposed to. Words like ‘cocksucker’. But this is a natural word, and I don’t know why the policeman wanted to arrest me for it. This was in New York just last year, for saying a word.  Just a word – no harm in it, it describes an action, one we all want. An’ how else am I going to describe this policeman’s mother?

There is no such thing as an offensive joke. Jokes are merely words – people get offended. Books, for example, do not get offended when offensive words are written in them, and this is because, you see, books cannot get offended. Only people can. It is a choice. If you do not like the work ‘cocksucker’ it is because you do not like it, it has nothing to do with the word itself and even less with the action. We all like cocksucking – it comes on anniversaries, and so do we.

Bob Newhart

You know, uh, Charles Darwin died right around the time the telephone was being invented. And I often wonder, just, uh, what it would’ve been like if there had been a phone on board the Beagle. I think it would’ve gone something a little like this:

“Howdy Charlie! How’s the cruise going? Uh huh, uh huh. Slow down Charlie – what was that? Finches? What’s a – what’s so special about that? They have, what was that? ‘beaks’? Really Charlie you’re going to have to shave that thing off if you want to use the phone, or at least annunciate…there, thank you.

“So, what’s so special about finches, Charlie, I mean, we have finches back here in London…Well what about their beaks? All birds have beaks. I mean, if you found a type that didn’t then, then you’d have something to write home about…uh huh. Uh huh. Uh, isn’t that uh, isn’t that kind of obvious? I mean different beaks for different food just makes sense. You, uh, you don’t see eagle with a duck’s beak – a bill…I see. And what are you calling this theory? ‘Evolution’? Doesn’t really have a ring to it… Well, well, here’s question, then, for your theory: uh, why do so many birds exist huh? I mean, how many kinds of flycatcher do we really need? Does your theory cover that? Oh it does, does it? I see. Well, I just don’t really think that the public is going to care about this theory of evolution if all you can offer to them is finches that live in the Galapagos Islands. Now if you found something interesting, like, say, uh, giant tortoises –see, that would really fire the imagination… What? You’ve got to go? Oh, okay Charlie, have fun, have fun on your cruise!”

Bill Cosby

I find, with children, that they do not know how to do things any adult can do. I wonder, often, when the flip happened, and they suddenly could do these things. Some of them, of course, we know and remember. I remember learning how to drive a car. How to talk to girls. How to play baseball. But others still elude me. I’ll give you an example: I don’t remember learning how to dry the dishes properly. I don’t remember when I learned how to take care of a yard. Or learning how to scrub a toilet bowl. These are not memories my mind has seen fit to cherish. But as a parent, I remember well teaching my child each of these things. Because you see, parents can’t wait for their children to start doing chores. The sooner you can teach the child to do the chores the better. If you come over to our house you will see the three year-old with a dustpan and broom. “Why yes, we Cosby’s know how to do it right.” My wife and I just sit on the sofa as groups of child-aged maids and butlers take care of our every need.

But of course it’s not really like that.  Because, and this is one of those things I don’t remember learning, kids love to misbehave. It’s in the genes of every child. If a parent comes up to me and says “My boy never misbehaves. My boy has never done anything wrong.” I will tell that parent to run. As far away, and as fast as they can. Because whatever it ends up being, it’s going to be catastrophic. When that child finally blows it’s going to be on the news – in three states!

Bill Hicks

You know, something I think about is if God didn’t want us to use drugs, why didn’t he make that one of the ten commandments?  I ask my Christian friends this “If you believe the ten commandments, along with that wacky golden rule are the basis of your faith – ” Quick question about that golden rule thing: does that apply to masochists? “Let’s see, uh…do unto others, what…do…Hmm, I think I have some chains and whips lying around here…!” But if God didn’t want us to do drugs, then why never fucking mentioning in the bible? Seems like an oversight to me. And if he didn’t want us to take acid, why did he make Timothy Leary, huh?

‘Cause we as a species have not stopped evolving. But I think things like Christianity have slowed it down somewhat. Why are these Christians ruining for the rest of us? We might’ve had wings by now! The only way we can evolve, I think, is our minds, and the only way to do that – bingo: drugs. The most mind-enhancing experiences come from psychotropic mushrooms and LSD. I never saw God when I was on acid, though. No man on fluffy white clouds surrounded by heavenly host in my trips…I did see a hundred-foot long one-eyed snake with saber-fangs, green skin and crimson fur. Maybe that was god! Maybe he’s tired of people picturing him as some lame old guy on a cloud. “Why do they disrespect my awesome form?” Who knows what god looks like? He never describes himself as riding a cloud with a beard… … Maybe god looks like goat-boy…

George Carlin

And that’s another thing: Americans are fucking ignorant! We are an ignorant fucking society. Notice, I don’t say ‘uninformed’. I don’t blame people for being uninformed. You think a kid in Somalia who doesn’t have enough to eat is informed? Plenty of people in this world don’t have the means to be informed. But for Americans there’s no excuse – and that’s ignorant! We have the Library of Congress fer godsakes – the largest library in the whole world – so read a fucking book!

Actually, you can only check out books from the Library of Congress if you’re a congressman! Can you believe that shit? Have any of these assholes been told this library exists? I don’t think any of them have ever been to the fucking place! But even without it we have the internet in this country! Oh yeah, we like that! People don’t know who their congressman is, but they can list their top ten favorite porno films! ‘Let’s see… number six is the one with the two black guys giving rim jobs to a horse, now what was it called…? Oh, yeah! ‘Black Beauty!’’

If Americans spent a fraction – just a fraction – of the time spent jerking off by getting informed we’d have a very different country, let me tell ’ya. If we spent the time watching porn reading the annual budget we’d have fixed our mess a long time ago – a long time ago. No question. Instead we’re too busy watching ‘Cum-guzzling, pre-pubescent, anal-thrashing, oral-fixated, lesbian, incest, choking, smoking, gargling, fondling, strap-on, milf-fucking, rug-munching, cock-sucking Asian gynecologists VI!’

Eddie Izzard

So, uh, yeah, there was that. And uh…When I was a kid my parents would, uh, take me to art galleries. And as a kid unless the entire thing is, you know, Dr. Seuss, it’s just not interesting! You know these paintings like ‘This work was done by Sir Drabfancy McPainty-man in a year long before you care about. As you can see from the mellow tones of orange and yellow it depicts a rubber duck…!” But one time they took me to, uh, one of these galleries and it was nothing but surrealists like Dali and Magritte and, and others like them…and my child-self was agape! I didn’t know art could do that! I think my parents regretted it, though, at the time. You know, ‘cause those surrealists have a keen interest, I find, in lady’s breasts. For parents of a young boy, uh…And it really – that was it. That was the moment I got interested in art was when I realized that sometimes art is really fucking weird! But I came across something the other day that said the surrealists, ‘the surrealists’ it seems ‘weren’t just painting crazy fuckin’ things all the time – there was a deep symbolism to their work’ which ruins it, for me! I liked that stuff ‘cause it was totally bonkers! Half a head, wearing a fired egg as a hat! I could relate to that! I’d been half a head at one time, and I wore a fried egg…once… as…But no! No – it can’t just be a guy with egg on his head now it has to be ‘symbolic’. I think that’s the point of critics, really, is, just to ruin everyone else’s fun. That’s their favorite thing to do just make people miserable and not let you enjoy anything.

Robin Williams

Oh, and Barrack Obama! Yeah baby! There is a President! But what does it say about us that our coolest President is the whitest fucking black guy since Doc Huxtable? And I like Obama, but he does sometimes confuse me. I mean, sending troops back to Iraq, but not to fucking Syria what’s that all about? Even the Dalai Lama is saying ‘No really, they need help.’ But of course we can’t go to Syria – ‘cause Asad and Putin are buddies. When did we get so scared of the fucking Russians? Half of them are stoned on fucking vodka anyway! Didn’t we beat those guys once before? I distinctly remember Ronnie… “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!” Of course Regan had as much to do with the end of the Soviet Union as blow-job has with conception but that’s okay! We’re moving right through…

But before Obama we had Bush, and everyone hated that guy – especially in the rest of the world. Just look at the Nobel Prizes – so pretentious they have to be held in Sveeden. Two Americans won the Nobel Prize when Bush was President: Jimmy Carter and Al Gore. If that’s not a message I don’t know what the fuck is. And the very year he gets out of office - bam! - they gave it right to Obama to let everyone know in unequivocal terms just what an asshole they thought he was. ‘Fuck you cowboy-man! You’re going to go on a crusade? We’re going to give the Nobel Prize to any Democrat we can think of!’

And Al Gore…Can you smell what the planet is cooking? Yes! Global warming! I live in California, and we’ve had to deal with this shit for years. Los Angeles is going to be underwater, San Francisco is soon going to be a series of islands… ‘Come to Tahoe! We now have year-round fishing!’ And the wildfires, man, they are out of control. California, as always, ahead of the curve, the cutting-edge. Don’t worry: you’ll all get the full experience soon!

There are some cities, honestly, I wouldn’t mind if they went. Mostly in the South. I can’t remember the last time something good came out of Birmingham. But then you have a problem ‘cause ‘Mississippi burning’ can have a couple different connotations…Oopsie!

Mitch Hedberg

I never knew why they had ‘Kiwi Shoe Polish.’ What does a kiwi know about polishing shoes? I think they named it that ‘cause it’s the color of a kiwi – and that’s racist!

I don’t know why they call them ‘paperbacks’. We don’t call the other kid of book ‘hardbacks’ – they are not made out of rocks!

A guy came to my house and said ‘you need aluminum siding’. I said ‘why? My house already has sides. What do you think keeps the roof up?’

Why do we still make cups out of paper? That shit will get soggy, and then it cannot be recycled. Unless – you cover the paper in wax. Why not cut out the middle man, and have wax cups?  They would mold perfectly to your hands!

I don’t know why some men still wear ties. It’s like, ‘here, I have a small poorly-tied scarf that will not keep my neck warm. And I will wear it year-round!’

Why do they call them ‘tear-jerkers?’ After watching a sad film my tears did not seem extra smokey and spicey. If they had, my dog would love to lick my tears. Any time I’d put ‘Bambi’ on my dog’s mouth would salivate!

I had a follow-up to that joke, about pastrami and sweat, but it did not make any sense. So I will not tell it.

When I was a kid my favorite story was ‘Peter Pan’ because he got to hang out with pirates and fly and shit. But now that I am older my favorite story is still ‘Peter Pan’ because I still want to fly and hang out with pirates.

Killer whales are my least favorite animal. They need to chill out. Surely they are not killing things twenty-four seven? We don’t call lions ‘killer cats’ so why ‘killer whales’? Since they are black and white we should call them ‘sea zebras’. I think that would be a much more descriptive use of nomenclature!

Why would an owl know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop? That makes no sense. Owls have beaks and eat voles. If they ate a tootsie pop it was probably on accident.

Louis CK

Nobody likes babies. We need to stop lying about that shit. As soon as the mother is out of the room we are thinking ‘Jesus Christ! It was like a prune filled with just snot and mucous. It was hideous!’ Kids are different, kids are fun you know, when you don’t want to punch them. Sometimes we’ve all wanted to punch a kid. In the face, or if we’re on a plane, in the stomach – just right there in the gut. ‘Yeah, now you’ll be quiet, ‘cause I’ve forced all of the air out of your tiny shrill lungs.’ I would never actually fuckin yadda yadda hit a kid… But we all want to. Kids, unlike babies, at least have the potential to be fun. They at least can be entertaining. When a kid licks the spoon batter for chocolate cookies that’s the very first time he’s ever done that thing! And as adults, as parents, you know, we’ve clearly already lost in life’s roulette, I mean we’re married, middle-aged with kids it doesn’t get worse than that, that’s just rock bottom. But when you see you kids taste chocolate chip cookie dough for the first time you get to vicariously live through them for that moment and regain a fraction of the happiness you had as a child when life actually mattered and you got to do what you wanted all the time. Babies get to do that too – babies do not give a fuck. But all the happiness I had as a baby is lost to me, I don’t have those memories. My first steps? Fuck ‘em – don’t remember it. Even a parent’s greatest joys and memories with a baby the baby won’t fucking remember! Your parents could be bullshitting you all the time, and you’d have no idea! They could just be like ‘Yeah, when you were three you played the piano every day!’ You don’t know! Maybe you were a prodigy and now look at you – middle aged with kids, it’s fucking sad! Shit’s brutal.