Saturday, October 17, 2015

The Bible II

The Bible II

Genesis II
Chapter 1

After Revelations there was God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. Heaven was crowded, and nobody would stop singing.

“We’re going to do this again.”

“Dad, no.”

“I can do better this time. This time I’m not going screw up. Holy Spirit, your thoughts?”


Chapter 2

And so God created the universe from a vast explosion. Before this there was nothing – neither time nor space. But with this explosion there was time and space, which, it turns out, are the same thing. And His law became the law of the universe, and it really wasn’t that metaphorical. And these laws he dubbed gravity, strong, weak, and electromagnetic.

In the first three minutes, hydrogen and helium protons formed, the base elements which comprise 98% of the universe. But it would take another 377,000 years for them to form actual atoms.

Chapter 3

Around 560 million years after the Big Bang, or more than 13 billion years ago (as of the writing of this text in 2015, which, incidentally, is written by humans, inspired by God, but, to clarify, is subject to change not due to fallibility but due to limited human understanding of the cosmos at this unique juncture in cosmic time) the stars formed.

Chapter 4

“Why are you writing a science textbook of the early universe?”

“Well you have to start with Genesis…”

“I’m with Jesus on this. The humans will need to figure out science on their own. They can’t just be told ‘and then there were atoms.’ It doesn’t have any meaning.”

“Well metaphor is what screwed up everything last time, coupled with a lack of understanding of scientific cause and effect.”

“Just trim it down to the basics.”

Chapter 5

Everything exploded into being. A very long time ago. Because God said so.

Chapter 6

One of the things that came about from the explosion was stars and planets. On God’s favorite planet, the conditions were perfect for life, for God wanted it to be that way. And then, in Africa, people showed up.

Chapter 7

“Showed up?”

“You said to simplify! So here I AM. Simplifying. Gonna skip all the evolution stuff.”

“You can do better, Dad.”

<*omniscient sigh*>

Chapter 7

And God first created life in the form of the unseeable,

Chapter 8

“Unseeable? You’re making up words!”

“That’s My right.’”

Chapter 9

and the small forms grew and combined and copied and transformed and became complex, and beautiful. And life spread across the planet, from barren desert to desolate waste, from forest and dale to the deepest sea. And, after billions of years, one animal life came to be God’s favorite, and this was Man.

Chapter 10




Chapter 11

And, after billions of years, one animal life came to be God’s favorite, and this was Man. Humanity.

Because, to make this very clear from the start, men and women are equals. And they formed tribes and slowly, originating in Africa 200,000 years ago, began to move across the land, to all places that would support their life.

Also there was evil.

Chapter 12

“I don’t know if you’re taking this seriously.”

“Well, I certainly didn’t want to write this thing by committee! It was easier before when it was just me.”

“Technically it still is.”

“Shut up.”

Chapter 13

Fine. So humans did stuff God didn’t like, and they needed to stop that. Like killing each other for no reason. Harming each other. Acting, basically, like animals. The whole reason God loves you humans better than anyone is for your reason. That’s what makes you special and you should really be able to figure out that line of reasoning.

Chapter 14


“I’m not so sure…”

Chapter 15

As they left Africa humans encountered other kinds of humans, like Neanderthals. And they learned from them, slept with them, and killed them. Killed them dead. Also: hobbits in Indonesia!

In certain parts of the world the climate and soil was great for farming, and there were animals to be domesticated and really, the humans who ended up in those places basically got a huge leg-up. Sorry to the rest of y’all. ‘Cause they are going to come to where you live and screw you over badly.

Chapter 16

“Listen, we’re trying to avoid the mistakes of last time, right?”


“So let’s make sure they’re all equally capable of surviving and don’t go tribal and kill each other when they meet new people.”

“Guys – I can’t. That would mean getting rid of their free will.”

“Like Jesus said – we’re trying to avoid mistakes this time.”

“I can’t get rid of free will! What’s the point? They won’t make bad decisions any more!”


“They won’t be punished!”


“There won’t be any sin!”


“…And you guys just don’t get the point of this. The point of Earth and humans isn’t to watch it tick away like a clock always knowing the next motion. It’s to be surprised by what they’re going to do next! They’ll come up with bizarre ideas and crazy theories, insanely brilliant inventions that have no practical function and artistic masterpieces! They’ll treat each other horrifically and sublimely. Watching it play out is the whole point.”

“Then why do you punish them?”

“To control the experiment! The parameters by which the efficacy is judged.”

“Dad… How many more times are you going to do this?

“As many as it takes.”


“Let’s put the book away for a while, okay? Maybe pick up with Exodus next time.”

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