Wednesday, February 18, 2009

7 things about Chris Marlowe!

Greetings. I knew that I would have to title this bulletin with a line to summon thine attention.
It has come to my attention that a certain playwright has been butchering our language with a frequency which boggles the mind. So here are some quick reminders for all of ye on how to speak the Queen's English.

1. Subject, Verb, Object. “O! What a Rogue and Peasant Slave Am I”. No. Instead, “O! I Am A Rogue and Peasant Slave.” Likewise you would say “John caught the ball” not “John the ball caught.” Get your order right.

2. Use of 'Most'. “The Most Unkindest Cut of All”? What is this horse shit? “To Take the Basest and Most Poorest shape”? Saying 'most' and 'unkindest' is plain repetitive. 'Most poorest' is similarly repetitive and sounds ignorant.

3. Use of 'Their'. “God Send Every One Their Heart's Desire!” No, Bill. 'Their' should not be used in such a reference. The agreement is all off.

4. Dialect. No one is ever going to want to hear dialect of the varied ignorant regions of Britain. For example:
“Let Go His Arm.”
“Chill Not Let Go Zir.”
This is gibberish, mate. To chill something means to lower its temperature. 'Zir' isn't even a word. O, and you forgot the 'of' in the first line. “Let Go OF His Arm.”

5. Prepositions. Do not leave them out, such as in the example above, or “As Good Deed As Drink.” You are getting sloppy, Bill. “As Good A Deed As Drink,” I think, is what you meant. Who is your editor?

6. Rhyme.
“Against That Time When Thou Shalt Strangely Pass
And Scarcely Greet Me With That Sun Thine Eye
When Love Converted From the Thing it Was
Shall Reasons Find of Settled Gravity.”
'Pass' and 'Was'? WTF? Those do not even begin to rhyme, you lazy bastard. If you are going to write a sonnet you had better make it rhyme. Look, too, at that second line. Subject, Verb, Object. Not to mention starting a line with 'And'. Zounds, Bill.

7. Lastly, Bill, you can't just make up words. None of the following are real words, even if they help you rhyme: Accused, Addiction, Amazement, Arouse, Assassination (really?), Bandit, Bedroom (what is the point?), Blanket, Bump ('dialect' again, eh?), Champion, Countless, Fixture, Flawed, Generous, Hint, Lonely, Mimic, Negotiate, Obscene, Rant, Torture, Worthless, Zany.
I know some of you will go about saying this whole exercise has been some 'zany' 'rant'. But I will never give in. THESE ARE NOT WORDS, PEOPLE. Even if the dictionary accepts them I never will.

Sincerely, Christopher Marlowe.

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