Ross' Gyoza: A Journey of Epic Failure

Today I decided to make gyoza.

First things first I substituted pork loin for ground pork, due to unavailability of the latter.

I cut the pork into small pieces, as shown. Cut until the consistency of ground pork, or five minutes if your hand gets tired.

Now, I didn’t have quite all of the ingredients necessary for gyoza (cabbage, starch, etc.) so I had to make do with what I had. These included green onions, sugar, pepper, oyster sauce, soy sauce, garlic and ginger.

Throw all of the items together in a bowl except green onions, and mix. Note: don’t bother measuring out the quantities but instead add what 'looks right'. Cover with saran, or barring that, tinfoil, for a nice metallic aftertaste, and put in the fridge for 30 (or 10) minutes (if impatient).

Since I didn’t have gyoza skins, I instead made use of spring roll skins. Note the difference in thickness, as spring roll skins are nearly transparent

While gyoza filling is in the fridge boil some water, and flour a baking sheet. Get a large plate and fill with water.

Add spring roll skins to water, on both sides, and add gyoza filling before placing one side in flour.

Since spring roll skins are much larger than gyoza skins, you will only be able to cook two at a time.

Ignore every red flag and warning in your head.

Add to a pan with some olive oil (instead of the more traditional sesame oil) and add boiling water until half full. Within 5-6 minutes the water should evaporate.

At least ten minutes later reflect upon the choices you’ve made that have brought you to this point in your life, and flip the gyoza in an attempt to render golden brown.

Voila.

Failure.

Like pancakes, my series of gyoza looked better as time went on. I used less water, flipped earlier, and cooked for less time. Here, then, are my attempts, from earliest on the left, to latest on the right:

I tried my most ruinous gyoza first. It wasn’t bad, sort of like foil wrapped chicken, but with pork. The spring roll skin was incorrigible, however.

Skipping the in-between steps, I went to the finale, and discovered on it, too, the skin was a problem. What was worse, the pork hadn’t cooked, due to less time on the burner. Indeed, upon inspection this was true of all the remaining ~gyoza. 

Pretty!

So I decided to throw them back into a pan, which I had floured out of spite earlier.

Learn nothing from your past mistakes.

Cover. Why not.

Cook for a while. Give up on the skins. Avoid openly weeping, so as to not over-salt the recipe.

Rationalize your failures. Maybe you’ve discovered a new recipe – "Gyoza Stir Fry Surprise…"

Attempt consumption.

Success! You actually made something edible! Not good - but edible. I think I’ll call it “Gyoza Stir Fry Surprise”. 

Serves two to four people you wish you hadn't invited to a dinner party. Best over rice.